Jokes and Humor

[Morgan101]

 

[Lenny]

Wife vs Maid

A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get back from work.

An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours.

In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home."

"I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?"

The man was silent for a few seconds, then said "But I never need Viagra with the maid!"

 

[Chaosdawn]

I had to be that every halloween growing up because my mom couldn't fold fitted sheets! It was easier for her to cut eye holes in them and throw then away November 1st!!

Happened to me, maybe 6 or 7. My folks cut two holes in an old sheet and sent me trick or treating with the older kids. I fell off 3 porches that night, couldn’t see anything!!!

I was so happy when a big dog took my sheet and wouldn’t give it back! Only fair, I’d stepped on the dog.

My parents did that to me one year. I stepped on the front of the sheet, the eyeholes moved down and I walked into a mailbox and nearly knocked myself out.

 

[Woody]

 

[joel]

View attachment 94927

Never went trick or treating.
We lived out in the country & mom would buy some candy, but we did not go door to door.

 

[Lenny]

Disney World

Q: Why is Viagra like a crowded amusement park?
A: You have to wait an hour for a 3 minute ride.

 

[Caribou]

 

[joel]

View attachment 94961

DW ask how the foods was?
I reply that "I cleaned my plate, that is the best complement."

 

[Neb]

DW ask how the foods was?
I reply that "I cleaned my plate, that is the best complement."

The Princess refined her cooking skills using my son and I as guinea pigs. She had always had a tendency to multitask. It was not long until I invented a new word.

Prinincinerate

Ben

 

[Smalltimefarmer]

True

 

[Bacpacker]

DW ask how the foods was?
I reply that "I cleaned my plate, that is the best complement."

Only topped by " I ate 3 bowls full"

 

[Supervisor42]

My funny for the day:
The previous insurance company we had in Alabama sent us a letter about a refund check they sent us that had never been cashed, and this was our last chance to claim it before they turned it over to the state.
The big question is, do we sign it and spend a stamp to send it back?

(no, I did not edit the amount)

 

[angie_nrs]

 

[angie_nrs]

 

[angie_nrs]

 

[jazzy]

dang,m guess im gonna be here a while longer.

 

[Pearl]

dang,m guess im gonna be here a while longer.


View attachment 94980

You won't be alone!!

 

[Pearl]

My funny for the day:
The previous insurance company we had in Alabama sent us a letter about a refund check they sent us that had never been cashed, and this was our last chance to claim it before they turned it over to the state.
The big question is, do we sign it and spend a stamp to send it back?
View attachment 94966
(no, I did not edit the amount)

YES, and write something like " want it in cash"! Don't they owe you interest? I would send it back with a request wanting to the name of ALL the idiots involved, it passed through several desks!

 

[kd4ulw]

 

[Chaosdawn]

When someone not from my state tries to spell it:

 

[dademoss]

 

[LadyLocust]

 

[LadyLocust]

 

[LadyLocust]

 

[LadyLocust]

 

[LadyLocust]

 

[Caribou]

 

[dademoss]

 

[Magus]

dang,m guess im gonna be here a while longer.


View attachment 94980

I knew that back when I was a kid.
At this rate I'll be immortal soon!

 

[rusty]