Jokes and Humor

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

 

[Caribou]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the repulsive behavior that was going on. So, God called one of the angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So, God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased.
So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good because he wanted to encourage them...give them a little something to help them keep going.


Do you know what the e-mail said?



Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either...

 

[jazzy]

If Matrix was ran on Windows!!!!​

 

[dademoss]

 

[dademoss]

 

[dademoss]

 

[Morgan101]

I would fit right in with this group.

 

[The Lazy L]

Awhile back @LadyLocust posted a real life statement in this thread that was pretty good. Here's a couple of my own originals that I still laugh at.

I once worked nights at a sheetmetal shop running a press brake. The supervisor was a few years younger than me. Easy to screw with his mind. I could tell he was in a bit of an "altered state". I went outside to take something to the outbuilding. I came back in and said, "Weirdest thing. It's a crystal clear sky, stars everywhere, but when I look over at the ski area, there's a huge blizzard going on". I went back to running my machine and watched him out of the corner of my eye. After about 5 minutes, he looks at me and says, "You idiot! That's the snow makers at the ski area". I said, "NO kidding, Doug! Really?"

The other was when I worked at a sawmill in Wisconsin. A Really hot day! In the lunch room, one guy was complaining about the heat. He never was the sharpest knife in the drawer. I got up and went over to the lone box fan circulating air in the room. I said, "Just what I thought! It's made in Mexico!" He asked, "What difference does that make?" I replied, "Oh, come on Delbert, everyone knows fans made in Canada blow colder air than ones made in Mexico." Then, with a blank look on his face, he said, "Really?"

Town had a 50,000 gallon water tower. 40 years later the town’s growth caused a second water tower, 200,000 gallon To be built.

When residents asked why two towers I told them (with a straight face) one tower was for hot water and the other was for cold. A few would seriously ask which tower was hot? The small one of course, you always use less hot water then cold. Majority believed me!

 

[LadyLocust]

I would fit right in with this group.

View attachment 98151

They are in SLC. I've seen an interview or two about them.

 

[jazzy]

Dad jokes contest - this is hilarious

Dad Jokes | You Laugh, You Lose | Will Ferrell vs. Mark Wahlberg​

 

[Supervisor42]

Sometimes we forget that simple things are the best...
Classic. No words, but it says so much:

 

[Magus]

Old story, but it shows off how screwed our education system was even 30 years ago.:
There I was, stuck helping maintenance re do the plumbing on a rotted out steam box, it was easy just a two hour job except our GEORGIA TECH GRADUATE supervisor kept wanting us to do things his way, asking questions, and offering advice where none was needed, Finally, I said:
"We got this here, all we need is a bucket of steam to prime it with!" I was only joking, but the over educated and over paid idiot went to the boiler...
Well while he was out of the way, we welded and bolted everything up and were changing out weak fuses and having beers when about an hour later, he comes back and wants to know how to keep it from turning into water!
I asked him if it was still hot enough to burn his finger, he tested it and said yes. I told him it would probably do. so when he wasn't looking, we poured it in the sink and praised him for his educated help.

True story!

 

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[Morgan101]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Magus]

View attachment 98219

My crappy cable company jacked mine another $5!

 

[Magus]

I need to find somebody local who can fix my satellite up-link dish.

 

[joel]

My crappy cable company jacked mine another $5!

This is why I do not use cable anymore.

 

[dademoss]

 

[Morgan101]

View attachment 98255

If the box/bag/package/whatever isn't resealable it is one serving.

 

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So, I finished hanging the drywall in this room. It's ready for the joint compound.

 

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