Jokes and Humor

[joel]

I gotta say: if you are gonna take the time to put on eyeshadow and lipstick, at least shave dammit!

No, it is chic to have a hairy face & make up.

 

[Peanut]

True story, I once lived in a small town with an unusual pastime. Everyone had police scanners, in their cars, even businesses had them. They listened at the barber shop, hardware, tire store etc. Several restaurants and every bar, even the waffle house.

I’m sitting in a bar one night when the scanner got noisy, a police chase, teenager in a car. A guy down the bar yells “turn it up!” We hear a description of the car.

The same guy yells “that's my sisters car!” Then… “That little s$%^ stain! I told my nephew if he took his mom’s car again I was going to kick his a$$!!!”

He grabbed the bar phone and called the police, told them who they were chasing!!!

It was so funny!!!!

Several times I’ve been out with friends there to catch a game at the oyster bar. It’d be getting late, thinking about heading home. The scanner goes off, something big, it involves every cop in town. I always thought it was perfect time to go home along with most people! The bars would empty, just the late drinkers left.

It was a strange little town.

 

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

Another memory… we were a little league team traveling to an away game. All of us in the back of a pickup. The coaches were in the cab and they both chewed tobacco. Hot summer day, windows down.

When we got to the game we all had freckles!!!! and had spots on our white uniforms. A group of mothers came to the game! Uh-oh!!!

I think it was the first time I heard a woman curse like a sailor.

 

[ClemKadiddlehopper]

We were traveling to La Gran Sabana in Venezuela on a camping trip. A newly single very naive mom with 3 young boys (apartment below us) asked if she could come.

We were in two vehicles and when we got to a safe designated stop, two of the lads got out of the back seat soaking wet. Paulo in the front passenger seat had to pee and his mom told him to pee in a cup and throw it out the window.

Going down the hwy at 100kph that cup of pee made it as far as the open back window where it was sucked inside.

It was only one of the disasters that poor lady had on that trip. She was so completely clueless.

 

[Haertig]

We were in two vehicles and when we got to a safe designated stop, two of the lads got out of the back seat soaking wet. Paulo in the front passenger seat had to pee and his mom told him to pee in a cup and throw it out the window.

The story continues...

"Then Paulo grew up and immigrated north. He opened training clinics in the US and Canada teaching politicians the techniques he had learned in the car that day. He is now a billionaire."

 

[Magus]

Just in time for Christmas!

 

[Pearl]

I gotta say: if you are gonna take the time to put on eyeshadow and lipstick, at least shave dammit!

Yes, but check out the well sculpted eyebrows!!

 

[LadyLocust]

 

[LadyLocust]

 

[Magus]

Lol, I Thought this was a 'Babylon Bee' piece...
Ariana Grande's Brother Frankie Is Reportedly Recovering From Scary Assault h Noes, it's for Realies!

WinTActual "..The two teenagers allegedly hit Grande [who is 39 yrs Old, btw (!!)] in the back of his head before taking off with his Louis Vuitton bag.." Gawd, and people wonder why Some of us actually Think the US could Actually Lose in 'WWIII'.. and Quickly

jd

My sister in law set me up with one of those (Whatever it is) once for a joke. her and it were crying when I left! Being a hermit does NOT make me gay! I'm just particular where I store my equipment.
No really, I think my Buck knife opened up by itself in my pocket!

 

[Cascadian]

I will try to keep this PG.
I was driving down the freeway and glanced at the adult store sign. It said Black Friday sale 50% off. Well I started laughing. The thought of housewives fighting over discounted Bilbo's just killed me. Then I thought what if the sign would have said adult toys half off. That would have been a terrible sales pitch.

 

[Magus]

I will try to keep this PG.
I was driving down the freeway and glanced at the adult store sign. It said Black Friday sale 50% off. Well I started laughing. The thought of housewives fighting over discounted Bilbo's just killed me. Then I thought what if the sign would have said adult toys half off. That would have been a terrible sales pitch.

Aw gods, I have to tell this one.
Our local "tinker toy store" didn't advertise, in fact it was in the back of a pawn shop and you had to ask and show ID before you were let in, I just happened to find it out one day by accident when I helped the owner move some stuff. I filed away the info under "useful" and years passed. then one day we were doing weekend work and everyone was b1tching because they were missing the big Bama and Georgia game, especially the boss who was in particular bad mouthing Bama's cheer leading squad for being "ugly skanks" Well at lunch hour my current partner in crime and I had a couple of beers, and concocted this crazy joke to play on the old man. we went to the pawn shop and bought the ugliest blow up doll he had and an Alabama shirt, sneaked into the shop entrance and filled the damn thing full of helium and poked it into his office. his office had windows on all sides so he could see us and we could see him. along the end of the day, he walked into his office for his usual snort of Jack Daniels and a smoke. He fired up his cigar, took a big drink as he leaned back and....
Blew Jack all over the ceiling and screamed like a monkey being fed into a wood chipper and came out of his office cursing like a hundred mad marines, threatening to fire everybody in the place! Luckily Georgia won and all was forgotten by Monday. I often wonder what happened to that thing? Maybe he took it outside and let it go and its still out there somewhere in its ragged Bama shirt?

 

[SoJer]

^ I can't 'Post it' (probably too 'NSFForum' But Youtube search 'Lords of Acid - Rubber Doll'.. Perfect 'soundtrack' to yer story..

jd

 

[Magus]

Downloading it. LOL

 

[dademoss]

 

[SoJer]

Heh... This one's also an 'Age-ometer' -

jd

 

[user 55]

Heh... This one's also an 'Age-ometer' -

jd

Finally found her.....

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[dademoss]

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

 

[dademoss]

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

i appreciate creativity in solving everyday problems.

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

this is too cool, i got to try it, hot dog chunks stabbed with spaghetti then cooked