Well that did not go according to plan.
I had it all mapped out. I would meet her for a lunch date at a swanky eatery I had already selected, a single wrapped pink rose in my hand, fully prepared to ooze all the charm and masculinity I could muster. I would remind her about the firm’s condo and how I accepted their terms almost exclusively just to be closer to her. Then, after convincing her not to return to her office for the remainder of the day, I would transport her to my new residence, collecting the keys en route, give her a tour and with any luck test out the quality of the queen sized bed. Yep, this was going to be one hell of a lunch date. Only it never happened. And what did happen was not fun or fanciful. It’s been quite the week so far.
After shadowing the daughter for much of the morning, I sent off a brief but happy text message making sure we were still on for lunch before I received an unhappy brief response that lunch was off, providing no real explanation or excuse. My counter text asking for more details was met with a sharp, almost rude “It just is”. As text messages often fail to properly convey tone and inflection, as well as genuine concern, I decided to just give the lady a call. I did not receive an inviting hello when she answered; instead I received a curt “What do you need?” I asked what was going on and why she couldn’t make our lunch date. Her retort was a sharp “It’s not always about you and what you want”. The tension was immediate and I could feel myself wanting to snap back, but I know better. Instead I said, “Whoa, slow down. What’s going on?” but she was not in the right head space. “I have a life outside of you and sometimes that part needs to be my priority”. There was a momentary silence before she added “Unless you need something else I have to go”. I replied “Hey, whatever’s going on maybe you need to take a deep cleansing breath and…” Before I finished she shot back “Maybe you need to stop being such an *******” which was followed by the electronic sounds produced when someone ends a call, a nice way of saying she hung up on me.
I thrive in conflict. Throwing insults, fist fights, fire fights, stand offs, ambushes, interrogations; all of it resides comfortably in my wheelhouse. This conflict however was new and unpleasant; I did not like it, not at all. I have had unpleasant encounters with women before, I just never cared before. I would just sit quietly as they ranted on until they exhausted themselves and inevitably walked away. And I was always glad to see them go. ‘Don’t let the door hit your *** on the way out’ was usually the last thing I ever thought or said to them, what they said back usually involved 4 letter words. In this case however, I knew it was her ADHD going into over drive, I just didn’t know what instigated it. I wanted resolution and an immediate return to sweet looks, soft kisses and satisfying hugs. Perhaps the correct move was to just give her some space and let her work it out, whatever it was. But I was clearly told to ‘just hug her, reassure her, and not take it personally’ when she lashed out at me. As I was already not all that far from her office and knowing I can’t hug her or reassure her from here; I set out to do so in person.
While en route I stopped at a Mexican food truck and grabbed a 6-pack of her favorite crispy tacos, some chips and guacamole and two bottles of Dr. Pepper first placed in a paper sack placed then inside a plastic to-go bag. Lunch was still on, one way or another. From there I made my way to her office with expedience subconsciously using my offensive driving skills as I worked through tactical-thinking scenarios, working out how I would penetrate her perimeter and seize control of her office before embracing her, supportively interrogating her and ultimately winning over her heart and mind. Operation Hot Hygienist was a go and my one man team was about to put boots on the ground. This mission was critical and failure was not an option.
When I walked into the lobby I could sense the tension. The receptionist, a woman I did not recognize and the lady were all at the front desk and they all seemed to be focused on a stack of papers. When the lady looked up and saw me I could almost feel the flaming daggers fly through the air. Her defenses however failed to stop my advance, nothing was going to. When I reached the desk she started to say something that I did not even hear, I set the bag of food down and wrapped my arms around her tightly. There may have been some initial resistance but she quickly melted into me. I occupied her territory as we nonverbally negotiated terms for her surrender or possibly just mutual disarmament. I could feel her tears moistening my thin shirt. She pulled away just long enough to grab a tissue from the counter as I grabbed the bag of food. She took my hand and escorted me to her office where she got a second, even longer embrace.
After she removed the remaining tears she explained that mid-morning she was served with intent to sue papers by a rather rude process server who pretended to be a potential patient. Her ex and the **** apparently followed through on their threat. The papers included an order to preserve records and other demands. When the lady immediately called the law firm she used for both personal and business matters, she found out that her lawyer was out of the office for a few days but an associate was available to assist. The lady just hung up and started reading through all the papers until she received a text from her good looking boyfriend confirming their lunch date. That was some bad timing on my part, not that I could have known. We sat down in the chairs across from her desk; I took her hand and asked her to please hear me out. The first words out of my mouth were a bold and brash “**** them”, which got the corners of her mouth to curl upward for just a second. I continued in firm brutish confidence, “I mean it, **** them. We are not going to let that piece of **** or his **** steal a moment of our happiness. We will fight them tooth & nail and teach them not to poke a sleeping bear. We will not give them any power or control over us. We are going to keep on living our best life and refuse to shed another tear, lose a minutes sleep, or ruin a perfect lunch date because of their mental illness or financial problems.” She got up, sat on my lap and wrapped her arms around me. I made it clear she was not alone in this, not for a second, that she was one part of team “**** them” and together we would bloody some lips, bruise some egos and maybe crack an orbital socket or two. Even though she wasn’t speaking I could feel the stress monkey climbing off of her back. Since I was on fire and my adrenaline was flowing I decided to add “And just so you know, I am not going anywhere. Even if you try and push me away or call me an *******.” She kissed me on the lips and replied “Just hug me”. After a little bit she said “Thank you for being my rock, I told you I could be difficult.” Then she got up, smiled at me and uttered “You said ‘us’ and ‘we’ a lot in that diatribe” before adding “You’re kind of sexy when you’re pissed off.” I responded “I know a college aged stalker who would not agree with you”.
Our battle implements had not been put away; they were just combined and aimed at a mutual enemy, one with a tiny sword and his ugly shield maiden. After discussing it with the lady I called my attorney & employer through my contact, asking if he could just take a look at the papers and provide a quick assessment. The earnest woman just said “send them over”. They were scanned in and sent via the lady’s work email. Not even 30 minutes later my attorney called back personally, almost laughing on the phone. It seems the dentist had downgraded his legal counsel since the divorce and his new ambulance chaser was known in the legal community to be a crayon short of a fun pack and not very good at his job. In the words of my lawyer “I would be more worried about drowning in the desert than I would be about this pre-litigation notice or any actual lawsuit they file.” He then suggested the lady hold tight, without care or concern, until her attorney was back and available. Before long we were eating tacos and cracking jokes.
Mission accomplished. Terms of surrender accepted.
And now I just sit in this apartment until she gets off work.