Rant for the Day (keep it clean)

[Amish Heart]

Feeling for you, Dr Jenner. And why is it that so many people think that old people can just watch the baby? Like it's a no brainer job. Hope one of the brothers step up in a good way for you. I have one sis that comes in once a year to check on mom, and the other hasn't been here for 3 years (when the will was done). We're getting close to the point where she'll be moving to the medical area for memory issues, and not in her apartment for much longer. It's hard for them to believe how she is since they don't see her all the time like I do. Sounds like your brothers need to spend some time with your parents to see what their needs are.

 

[DrJenner]

Thank you. Yes the most frustrating thing is, from their comments, they act like they can do it SO much better than me.
They both say they want to help, no one has offered to drive the moving truck or get them packed.
Their electricity went out today too… guess who is paying for that? Not those two.
But yes, they can do it so much better. I give it 2 weeks and my SB will be begging me to move them back. He has no clue whatsoever.

 

[Amish Heart]

Mom still says she is going to go out and do some work. I think it's out of habit, or something. I moved her here nearly 5 years ago. She had moved in with us and lasted a few months, then rented a place in an assisted living place in Kansas, so we had to pack her and move her again. We packed her in California, unpacked her in New Mexico, packed her up again in New Mexico and moved her to Kansas and unpacked her. She didn't lift a finger. I swear, though, when she moves to the medical side memory care rooms, I am not packing her whole apartment up and dealing with everything. Her accounts can continue to pay rent until my sisters get their hineys down here to help this time. I'm pooped. She has a bunch of antiques I wouldn't know what to do with.

 

[Weedygarden]

Ah, my mom would leave us in the car in large parking lots where there was no way she could see us. She would shop for more than an hour and think nothing of it. I don't know if her parents left her in the car when she was a kid or not. It's something I'll have to ask. But this was in Chula Vista area so it's not like it was small town. But, we also got to run around the neighborhood unsupervised as well (that's just how things were then).

No parking lots in my home town at that time, (and only one now), only pulling up to the curb, and there might not be any other car on the street. So she could pull in directly in front of the store, which was an all glass front. She could be inside and see us, and we could see her. Not like she left us in the car in a Walmart parking lot or something. You can also count on us having our eyes glued to the store and watch her inside. 1950's

 

[The Lazy L]

... I moved her here nearly 5 years ago. She had moved in with us and lasted a few months, then rented a place in an assisted living place in Kansas, so we had to pack her and move her again. We packed her in California, unpacked her in New Mexico, packed her up again in New Mexico and moved her to Kansas and unpacked her. She didn't lift a finger. ...

It took me once helping to move my wife's parents (they move every 2 to 5 years) to decided never again. Every little piece of scrap, unrecognizable junk, 12" pieces of broken steel fence posts, he even had the MIL dig up the cemented in mailbox box post to take. And during the entire move FIL was mysteriously absent from helping. He was a pack rat and my wife has followed in his footsteps.

 

[Smalltimefarmer]

My mom sold her house and moved in with us. Most of her stuff (junk) was donated. She moved in with us for about 8 years before that but would go home for a couple weeks per year. She had kept every birthday card she had ever received etc. I am so glad to have that part over while she is alive. Don't know if I could go through all of her stuff after she dies.

 

[phideaux]

Now I gotta go to court house and get the title changed , because it's ONLY IN MY NAME...!!!
DAs .

That'll cost me money.

Jim

Ok ,
I had to finance the truck , using GM Financial , which I did'nt want to do, they wouldn't let me pay for the truck outright.

Soooo go to courthouse to get the titled changed to both wife and I.

NOPE...they can't because of the lien.

If I can get GM to send a letter saying it's ok , they will change it.
Otherwise I gotta pay it off and get a payoff letter.

The dealer and I agreed , I wouldn't pay it off until May .
Or else they lose the kickback.
Looks like they're going to lose the kickback.
Wife is sending a check tomorrow.

Screwem.

Jim,

 

[zannej]

My dad died in March 2009 and we still haven't gone through all of his stuff. His clothes and such are still in Mom's room. I get emotional when I try to go through his stuff. I miss him so much. If I outlive my mother I don't know what I will do with all of her stuff. She's got a LOT of stuff. Art supplies, pottery, knickknacks, beads, junk jewelry, etc. I get attached to objects because they represent memories for me so letting go of stuff is difficult.

Jim, that sounds incredibly frustrating.

DrJenner, that sounds like a royal pain. I don't know what would happen if my mother got that bad. I am basically her live-in caregiver. I don't think my brother would step up to take care of her if something happened to me. I also don't know how my sister would do. She doesn't make my mother a priority when we visit and she isn't as tolerant of my mother's bad moods and how picky she is about stuff.

 

[Weedygarden]

Bottom line is they are both so clueless SB, and my parents as to what they really need, and I believe this will end in total disaster, with me having to take extraordinary measures to get them out of an unsafe situation.
Thanks for listening. I'm just so frustrated.

I believe that there is a whole bunch of this going on in our world, adult children who care little about their aging parents, except for the potential of the inheritance, or trying to run the show over the phone from too many miles away. I know of situations where adult children who are many miles away try to argue the case of aging parents who have various stages of dementia, in denial about the situation, mental and physical, because their memories of who their parents were are what they are working with. I found out a cousin of mine who lived less than hour from his parents hadn't seen them in over a year, even though parents were in their 90's. It brought tears to my eyes. But he wanted to try to run his brothers about how to handle the estate, as it was being liquidated to prepare for the eventual death of the parents (one died recently), the payments for the nursing home, and getting affairs in order.

 

[havasu]

I was the only child to take care of my aging parents. I begged and begged for 2 years to have one of the other 5 come, just for a day, to help me out. Nope. I got up at 4am, drove over on my police motorcycle at 6am, cook them a full breakfast, go to work. Get off at 5pm, drive over to their house, and cook them dinner, wash dishes, them go home at 730pm to eat with my family. Go to bed and start over the next day. The day my dad died, all 5 siblings stayed at their house until all property was taken. Yeah, I got 1/6th of the sale of stocks and the house, but that is it.
I have disowned all my siblings. One has died. Just waiting for the others to die. I do not care anymore. Hell, you here are true friends and family. Blood family is nothing to me.

 

[Weedygarden]

I have disowned all my siblings. One has died. Just waiting for the others to die. I do not care anymore. Hell, you here are true friends and family. Blood family is nothing to me.

If there were ever any blessings in losing my parents when I was a child, it was not having to watch them age and die, and not having to deal with my narcissistic and abusive siblings. Ever wonder how you grew up in a "family" with such asinine people? I know the "family" I grew up in, and should have expected nothing but what it is. BTW, I don't call them family, I call them relatives.

 

[Neb]

I was the only child to take care of my aging parents. I begged and begged for 2 years to have one of the other 5 come, just for a day, to help me out. Nope. I got up at 4am, drove over on my police motorcycle at 6am, cook them a full breakfast, go to work. Get off at 5pm, drive over to their house, and cook them dinner, wash dishes, them go home at 730pm to eat with my family. Go to bed and start over the next day. The day my dad died, all 5 siblings stayed at their house until all property was taken. Yeah, I got 1/6th of the sale of stocks and the house, but that is it.
I have disowned all my siblings. One has died. Just waiting for the others to die. I do not care anymore. Hell, you here are true friends and family. Blood family is nothing to me.

Better a neighbor to near by than a brother far away.

Proverbs

Ben

 

[backlash]

My wife's sister and her husband are both old and in poor health. He let his BP go unchecked and as a result he went blind and lost a leg. He is also a dialysis patient. She just lives in her chair. I drove over to get them so they could move in with her son. Four guys couldn't get him out of his wheelchair into my car because he can't support himself on his one leg. I finally told everyone that there is NO way a family member can provide for them and they need to go to assisted living. With trained and properly equipped staff. The family was willing to do whatever was needed to help them but they are beyond family help.
Finally last week they moved them into assisted living. The first thing to happen is she got Covid. She hates the new place because they won't baby her. We're hoping that gets better after they can live together.

I just wanted to tell this story to show there are 2 side to this problem. I understand perfectly the problems with siblings that do nothing and expect to get "their share" later. I have seen it time and time again. Families are destroyed by fighting over petty stuff.
My BIL stopped speaking to his brother over a deep freezer that was worth maybe $100.

 

[Weedygarden]

My wife's sister and her husband are both old and in poor health. He let his BP go unchecked and as a result he went blind and lost a leg. He is also a dialysis patient. She just lives in her chair. I drove over to get them so they could move in with her son. Four guys couldn't get him out of his wheelchair into my car because he can't support himself on his one leg. I finally told everyone that there is NO way a family member can provide for them and they need to go to assisted living. With trained and properly equipped staff. The family was willing to do whatever was needed to help them but they are beyond family help.
Finally last week they moved them into assisted living. The first thing to happen is she got Covid. She hates the new place because they won't baby her. We're hoping that gets better after they can live together.

I just wanted to tell this story to show there are 2 side to this problem. I understand perfectly the problems with siblings that do nothing and expect to get "their share" later. I have seen it time and time again. Families are destroyed by fighting over petty stuff.
My BIL stopped speaking to his brother over a deep freezer that was worth maybe $100.

Then there are the parents who have not taken care of themselves nor managed their money well, and EXPECT that their children are responsible for them when they get older. Yes, we are expected to take care of aging parents, but I've seen situations where parents have spent so much money foolishly and now want their children to fund their lavish lifestyle. Of course, this is not everyone, but this exists.

 

[Acdoctor]

Then there are the parents who have not taken care of themselves nor managed their money well, and EXPECT that their children are responsible for them when they get older. Yes, we are expected to take care of aging parents, but I've seen situations where parents have spent so much money foolishly and now want their children to fund their lavish lifestyle. Of course, this is not everyone, but this exists.

I have seen this personally, I have a little old lady that was foolish with her money, lost her husband to cancer, had too many people take advantage of her and now she has nothing.
she lives in a rundown 1970s mobile home with holes in the floor. The only child she has is a drugged out son that got some scrap plywood and laid over the holes not even screwed down. It’s sad when you are alone like that with no family support but it was self inflicted.

 

[Pearl]

I believe that there is a whole bunch of this going on in our world, adult children who care little about their aging parents, except for the potential of the inheritance, or trying to run the show over the phone from too many miles away. I know of situations where adult children who are many miles away try to argue the case of aging parents who have various stages of dementia, in denial about the situation, mental and physical, because their memories of who their parents were are what they are working with. I found out a cousin of mine who lived less than hour from his parents hadn't seen them in over a year, even though parents were in their 90's. It brought tears to my eyes. But he wanted to try to run his brothers about how to handle the estate, as it was being liquidated to prepare for the eventual death of the parents (one died recently), the payments for the nursing home, and getting affairs in order.

I see SO much of that. I am very active in my senior community and clean for many seniors. It's amazing to me how many adult kids do NOTHING for their parents.

 

[Weedygarden]

I see SO much of that. I am very active in my senior community and clean for many seniors. It's amazing to me how many adult kids do NOTHING for their parents.

I'd believe this, but then there are the adult children who always have their hands out, looking for their parents to pay for the various aspects of their lives.

 

[Pearl]

I was the only child to take care of my aging parents. I begged and begged for 2 years to have one of the other 5 come, just for a day, to help me out. Nope. I got up at 4am, drove over on my police motorcycle at 6am, cook them a full breakfast, go to work. Get off at 5pm, drive over to their house, and cook them dinner, wash dishes, them go home at 730pm to eat with my family. Go to bed and start over the next day. The day my dad died, all 5 siblings stayed at their house until all property was taken. Yeah, I got 1/6th of the sale of stocks and the house, but that is it.
I have disowned all my siblings. One has died. Just waiting for the others to die. I do not care anymore. Hell, you here are true friends and family. Blood family is nothing to me.

My hubby and I took care of my mom. My brother always worked on the road so not a problem. I have a sister who lives 30min away (close for Tx) but did nothing to help. My mom would have just liked her to come visit. My sister always had an issue because I came along when she was 10yrs old, she despised that! My mom left me everything, my sister stopped speaking to me. I mentioned in another thread that my brother is very ill, I called my sister today! She actually spoke to me! She is such an angry depressed person! She said we may talk again! I cannot help her. I'm glad I am not a bitter angry soul! I am more glad my hubby was so kind and caring to my mom! He really went above and beyond for her!

 

[Pearl]

I'd believe this, but then there are the adult children who always have their hands out, looking for their parents to pay for the various aspects of their lives.

I know an older lady who has one daughter. That one daughter only comes around when she wants money. She always says she wishes her daughter would come and just sit for 30 minutes and visit! So sad!

 

[Supervisor42]

I just wanted to tell this story to show there are 2 side to this problem. I understand perfectly the problems with siblings that do nothing and expect to get "their share" later. I have seen it time and time again. Families are destroyed by fighting over petty stuff.
My BIL stopped speaking to his brother over a deep freezer that was worth maybe $100.

I'm pretty sure I have been disowned by now.
I haven't seen my mom, who is in her 90's in a couple years for fear of bringing her covid.
She lives in isolation at the old family homestead and has a hired full-day caregiver.
I gave up everything to stay with my wife (which I love more than my own life) to move here and take care of her parents in their last years (she's their only child).
Did I abandon my mom?
One brother lives a mile away away from her.
My sister lives 2 miles away from her.
Another brother lives 40 minutes away from her.
Does my mom know I did the right thing? Yes.
Will I be declared 'scum of the earth' when she passes? Yes.
2 sides.
BTW, the MIL is a handful and must be assisted & watched-over around the clock.
Me & DW play tag-team every day. "I'm going to the store, you're on watch".

When I finally show up for my mom's funeral, will I be scorned as a 'heartless vulture'?
Absolutely.

 

[zannej]

Weedy, it does go both ways. There are some parents who do bare minimum for their kids, waste their $, and then come knocking wanting their kids to take care of them. Then there are others who coddle their kids and then the kids only want money or property. But, caregiving is not easy and not all people are equipped to do it. My best friend's grandfather was one of the nasty parents who abused his kids and then demanded stuff from them when they were adults. He was always mooching off of other people & his sons learned that habit too. His youngest does nothing for him but is always in his hear trying to get him to leave everything to him. Always criticizes how my friend doesn't do more for him when my friend is in worse physical shape & can't do stuff for him. That uncle pretty much steals any tools that get brought over there (some of mine were lost that way when my friend used them at his grandfather's house). I think I mentioned before that the grandfather was put in a nursing home for awhile and the staff *hated* him. He eventually signed himself out because he didn't like that they didn't cater to his every whim and wait on him hand and foot the way his wife had done before her death.

My maternal grandmother was apparently very demanding. My aunt had polio as a child and wasn't able to care for her properly so she had her put in a nursing home. She agitated the staff so much they pushed her out to the curb, called my aunt and told her to come get her. She had to take care of her as best as she could despite being disabled herself. Fortunately, the siblings were all close enough that there were no arguments over her stuff when she died. My mom's 2nd oldest sister's husband had huge fights with his siblings when their parents died. He tried to get my aunt to fight her siblings over the inheritance from my grandmother, but she refused. I do think that sometimes grief plays a part in bringing out the worst in some people though.

and, I've just rambled on. LOL.

Supervisor and Havasu, sorry you don't have good relationships with your blood family, but I can understand why.

 

[Weedygarden]

That uncle pretty much steals any tools that get brought over there (some of mine were lost that way when my friend used them at his grandfather's house).

Disappearing tools? I have had this problem, but found my solution. I bought pink spray paint and painted all of my tools pink. Amazing how tools do not disappear so much now, except once in a while to daughter needing a particular tool. She had quite a good collection of hand tools and lost them in a breakup. She tells me she doesn't want her tools to be pink. I get that. No matter the color, it makes them easier to identify. Hers would be turquoise, but the pink would be less likely taken by a man. I'm not saying the tools are taken deliberately, although they could be. Having one's tools painted a consistent color helps everyone to know which ones are yours and not theirs.

 

[zannej]

Reminds me that I need to start marking all of my tools-- etching or writing my initials on them. Tool theft is very common around here. My friend keeps a toolbox on his porch (has security cameras so most people leave them alone) but his Mom will walk up and just take stuff and not return it. She's a pill-head and doesn't have a regular job. I don't know how she works out taxes, but I suspect she doesn't pay them and is small enough the IRS doesn't notice.

I wouldn't want pink tools either. I'd have to figure out a good color though. Sounds like a good idea. Maybe purple... But then, purple is one of the state school colors so it might be more likely to get stolen.

 

[Pearl]

I'm pretty sure I have been disowned by now.
I haven't seen my mom, who is in her 90's in a couple years for fear of bringing her covid.
She lives in isolation at the old family homestead and has a hired full-day caregiver.
I gave up everything to stay with my wife (which I love more than my own life) to move here and take care of her parents in their last years (she's their only child).
Did I abandon my mom?
One brother lives a mile away away from her.
My sister lives 2 miles away from her.
Another brother lives 40 minutes away from her.
Does my mom know I did the right thing? Yes.
Will I be declared 'scum of the earth' when she passes? Yes.
2 sides.
BTW, the MIL is a handful and must be assisted & watched-over around the clock.
Me & DW play tag-team every day. "I'm going to the store, you're on watch".

When I finally show up for my mom's funeral, will I be scorned as a 'heartless vulture'?
Absolutely.

Hubby and I too played tag team with my mom, she was on oxygen and in a wheelchair, and we both worked. It was interesting and hard to do, but we are both glad we did it. Would we do it for his mom? No! She would rather go to a nursing home and/or pretend she never had kids. SuperV, if YOUR mom knows you did the right thing, then you did the right thing!!

 

[joel]

DW twisted her ankle on front steps

 

[Amish Heart]

My mom hated living with us in New Mexico. Didn't like the kids, or the family room tv needing to be off at 11 pm, didn't like family meal time, didn't like anything. She arranged the apartment is assisted living by herself, by a phone call, and then told me to find a way to move her to Kansas in two weeks, with all her stuff that we had unpacked and had in storage. We had just moved her from California a few months before. She never lifted a finger, just shouted orders, told us to get busy, she had a life to live, there was fun to be had. She was a pain in the rear. So when we moved here a year and a half ago, my sisters in Oregon and Florida were relieved I was close to keep an eye on her. Twice now we've tried to see if she'd like a small place on our land, since where she lives has been closed down due to covid. She said no way. Now that her dementia is getting bad, my sisters are wishing she would do that so I can be her nursemaid. The offer is not on the table anymore, and she's pretty ready to start moving her to the memory area/medical area of where she lives. My uncle and aunt are already there, and it's a good place. My Florida sis will be visiting a month from today, and hopefully will agree with this. But the packed apartment cleanout will need to be done with the sister's help, and I won't agree to it to be dumped at my place to store. I have my own stuff and do not want mom's stuff, not any of it.

 

[DrJenner]

Yeah I don't get the attitude about storage. My brother made an offhanded remark - that we could store my parents stuff while they sold their house and moved to CA. No thanks! We are moving ourselves and downsizing from a 6000+ sq foot house to a RV!!
We bought this house when we were going to move in my in laws, and then my MIL died before we could get her here. My FIL then said he would die in his house.
@Supervisor42 I totally get that. I am sure my BIL says the same about us, as he lives closest to my husband's dad.
We try to get out there every few months to check on him and get his medications adjusted (his medical care is awful).
But we primarily take care of my parents. My youngest brother has had everything handed to him - he is 12 years younger, has never helped out with the parents. His wife's mom lives in LA and is totally functional, she comes to help them.
My other brother who is 2 years younger hasn't ever been interested in helping out at all, his MIL is in an alzheimers facility. He is interested now that he thinks my mom can babysit. LOL I can't wait to see how that works out.
Yesterday I talked to my mom about getting a reverse mortgage so we can use the money to retrofit their house so they can stay in it and not have to go anywhere. Then if they want to see grandkids, they can take the train to Sacramento and not have to drive. I hope she considers it.

 

[The Lazy L]

...Yesterday I talked to my mom about getting a reverse mortgage so we can use the money to retrofit their house so they can stay in it and not have to go anywhere. ...

I would be very very careful about committing to a reverse mortgage. IMHO opinion the "former" home owner estate would end up with zero.

 

[Pearl]

My mom hated living with us in New Mexico. Didn't like the kids, or the family room tv needing to be off at 11 pm, didn't like family meal time, didn't like anything. She arranged the apartment is assisted living by herself, by a phone call, and then told me to find a way to move her to Kansas in two weeks, with all her stuff that we had unpacked and had in storage. We had just moved her from California a few months before. She never lifted a finger, just shouted orders, told us to get busy, she had a life to live, there was fun to be had. She was a pain in the rear. So when we moved here a year and a half ago, my sisters in Oregon and Florida were relieved I was close to keep an eye on her. Twice now we've tried to see if she'd like a small place on our land, since where she lives has been closed down due to covid. She said no way. Now that her dementia is getting bad, my sisters are wishing she would do that so I can be her nursemaid. The offer is not on the table anymore, and she's pretty ready to start moving her to the memory area/medical area of where she lives. My uncle and aunt are already there, and it's a good place. My Florida sis will be visiting a month from today, and hopefully will agree with this. But the packed apartment cleanout will need to be done with the sister's help, and I won't agree to it to be dumped at my place to store. I have my own stuff and do not want mom's stuff, not any of it.

Stay tough on your decisions!

 

[Morgan101]

We haven't had near as much drama with aging parents as many here have. I am a long way from my family so that responsibility really fell to my sister. My brother was no help at all. My FIL was in a nursing home when he passed. My MIL passed at home, and my wife and two of her sisters shared equally in the care the last few months. No arguments. No drama. All was peaceful.

I will say as the rant for the day, MOVE, is a four letter word. I have moved friends and relatives so many times I should have gone into the business, I will ask a rhetorical question, have you ever moved a hoarder? It is not fun. The last time we moved I can conservatively say we had over 500 boxes. They were scrap corrugated boxes I got from work, really ideal for moving, at 17" cube. I know there were 350 in one spot. In my in-laws basement we took over a corner. Boxes were stacked 5 high by 7 across and 10 deep. That is just boxes. Doesn't begin to address furniture which we had spread all over Hell's half acre. I swore the day we moved next time somebody would carry me out in a box.